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so my boss quit. as a result i've been doing everything around here.… - don't let the bastards grind you down.
so my boss quit. as a result i've been doing everything around here. i don't mind...i quite like it.

and right now i'm working on a new security class for our application revolving our new "Hospice" functionality. i need to do things like define who can discharge a patient from hospice, and promote a related party to bereaved status.

and then i take a step back and think about what i'm actually doing. i'm actually controlling new features of our application that deal with people who are dying. "discharging a patient from hospice" means telling the application that the dude died. "promoting a related party to bereaved status" means telling the application that these people are dealing with a mom or dad or brother or sister or son or daughter who just fucking died and that the survivors need counseling.

working in healthcare IT is weird. i'm no EMT, but i've seen and heard and read a LOT of fucked up shit. when i worked in miami, we did the records for the big hospitals in the area, so whenever ODB did too much blow and checked into the hospital, it eventually came across my desk. or when elian gonzalez was picked up, or when that model got in her car accident.

now that i deal with old people, i am intimately aware of how the body falls apart and what needs to get done to sustain a body for another couple of years. dave eggers had a line from AHWOSG that goes something along the lines of:

"dignity is artificial, and everybody dies alone and naked...so fuck it"

it's true. we have a diaper program for incontinent seniors. some of the most routine diagnoses are nasty infected sores caused by circulation problems because of complications with diabetes. we have a sponge bath program. the single most common drug used in our hospice program is morphine, because slowly dying fucking HURTS.

but mostly, i feel weird dealing with business concepts that, when you take a step back and think about it, emotionlessly cover the depth of humanity.

oh, and that it sucks to learn about bedridden children with no hope of ever leaving their houses.
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flavobean From: flavobean Date: January 26th, 2005 09:24 pm (UTC) (Link)
I had a dream that my dad died. I was profoundly sad for days. I have no idea how I will deal when my parents die. I hope I'm old. very very old.

_jurassic From: _jurassic Date: January 26th, 2005 10:13 pm (UTC) (Link)
hey, are you still on AIM? are you still taumeson?
itllbeallright From: itllbeallright Date: February 1st, 2005 05:19 am (UTC) (Link)
Ya know, you're right, but that's life. It is weird to take a step back and realize what we are really working for. Home health is tough, and I truly believe that it takes a special person to work with old people.
It truly makes me sad to see an elderly person who is alone or even if they're not alone, to see one who appears to be on their way out. I have seen some crazy sick old people in my life and it really makes you think. I have seen my grandmother take her last breath while my cousin was holding her. I have seen a lady so sick that she had been bed-ridden for so long that her muscles were practically non-existent and she was literally a skeleton with skin with seemingly no one who really cared. I can't fathom getting to this point in my life. When I think about life and death, I really want to live for a very long time (I love being alive), but I accept that everyone has to die, that's just the way that it is, and I am no exception, but to think that I will some day get to the point in my life where I can't go to the bathroom on my own or feed myself, I get disgusted. I mean at what point is it enough? At what point should you say, "It's been fun, but c-ya"? That's really the hard part for me when I consider our business. Seeing people and their families go through this series of emotions and deal with life knowing that this will someday be me and my family.

I really didn't make the connection between the emotion of it all and the business that I was promoting and training others to conduct until I made my first home visit. I mean, I did, but it really hit home when I saw it in person. So I guess what I saying is, i feel ya. When you really look at what we do and the ultimate effects that it has on others, it kinda makes you sad.
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